BPDRecovery.com: Forums

hello everyone,
hope all is well with you. a little bit about where I am at for being new here:::
1. I live in a rural area where no therapists are available for one on one's and have no $ to afford the one's that are:
2. I suffer from negative thoughts that keep me isolated from the world and at times fearful from venturing out/ as well as having much low self confidence and self esteem.
3. I often find myself putting myself down in front of others and run away from situations in anxiety. don't know how to accept love from others.
4. I have lost so many relationships in my life which were dear to me. And feel I had my chance in life, yet blew it. For this I feel a lot of shame.
5. I am 39 now, a very young 39. sometimes too young. yet feel discouraged... never been married, due to my struggle with relationships and isolation.
6. I have bipolar II disorder, borderline personality disorder, and touches of schiophrenia (though outside appearances are deceiving) I always think that people even strangers think I am weird, though others tell me I am attractive. I don't feel attractive at all. I cannot 'fake it til I make it' I feel self conscious and don't have a back bone or cover for my sensitivity.
7. it is difficult to reach my heart lately and I feel numb.
8. sorry about the numbers.
9. I am giving this a chance, I want to order the book 'putting the pieces together' and any other books that are suggested as $ allows. I hope to learn from you folks ~ dearly I do. I am scared of being in this big huge world feeling so alone... I cannot express the sense of lonlieness and fear I feel inside. I am willing to give this a chance, here, this place, now, I don't want to become a 'loner' in the world. Suicide is never an option for me. I had attempted four times in my life past. And is not an option ever again. Nor is any self harm an option. Yet I cry a lot of tears, and cry out to God for help a lot. I hope you will grant me a chance here, that this place can become a chance for some amount of recovery. I understand I have to do the work. I do have time to work the tools. But I feel ignorant right now. Please bear with me.

I am dearfully scared.
thank you for being here.
ellisen

Welcome Ellisen! You will never have to feel alone again because you have found a great group of friends! We all know what you are going through and are here with open hearts, minds and ears!

Glad to have you here, Ellisen. You will find many useful resources around here as well as people who can relate to what you are feeling.

I look forward to getting to know each other better.

thank you notamonster and harmonium for your welcome.
I appreciate it.
ell