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For real my name is Sara. I was just diagnosed with borderline 2 weeks ago. My therapist doesn't really want me to know much about it...she just wants to treat me using DBT. Matter of fact, she is almost protective of me, saying she doesn't think I have it "that bad", only "features" of it. Well, I am educated, and know how to read for myself, and can tell you...ohhhh yes. I have it. Full blown, except for the cutting and until last night I had never thought of suicide. But last night I was on the phone crying to the suicide hotline to some sweet compassionate lady, blubbering out my story until I could think straight again.
All or nothing thinking
black or white
living in a fantasy world
uanble to make reasonable connections and then when I get the consequence (my car runs out of gas, or my power gets cut off, or I get an overdraft), I go ape wild. By myself. Nobody but one person has seen my temper and it scared my boyfriend to death. Well, sort of a boyfriend. 5 year affair to a married man who is bipolar, borderline, and God knows what else. He triggers me, I trigger him, we are addicted to each other, it is so screwed up and it must end. That is the reality. SIGH.
There are some other fun quirks to my personality that are no doubt a part of this...I am an actress, so this part is fun, but I love talking in accents. Scary thing is, sometimes, it happens at the most random times, usually makes people laugh, but I know they think I'm wierd...(they are very good accents, lol)and I have a "personality" that goes with them. Luckily the type of work I am in "excuses" this behavior, but I understand now that I feel like I am bits and pieces of everyone I have ever seen or learned about because I have never developed my own personallity. I feel so FLAT now. Now what? I don't even know where to start building myself.
Also...where I don't cut myself, I am addicted to medical conditions. They are really and truely really there, but I create them bigger, much bigger than they really are because I get so much care from the attention. God I love care. I crave touch. A massage to me is more than relaxation...I crave the human touch more than "normal". It is not sexual. I think that comes from not being picked up enough as a baby. My mother had a nervous breakdown when I was born and my father had just had a horrible back operation. So my siblings did most of my care giving. There is lots of love in my family...no molesting or incest here...thank God...and my heart goes out to those of you who suffered that because I don't know what I would do...
I am sexually promiscuous, but it comes in cycles. Not sure what triggers it yet. Probably lonliness. I haven't had a cycle in a while, but who knows...it could happen tomorrow. God help me deal with that when it comes. SIGH. So, I guess, I do have a lot to be thankful for compared to most, but this is my own hell I live in. I was thinking of taking my life last night. I didn't. I hope I never feel that way again. Through DBT, I want to learn how to deal with this one step at a time. It is all so overwhelming, scary, and sad. But accept it I have. (YAY!) I will take it one moment at a time, one day at a time and build my person inside and out. I can't wait, actually. I am exhausted taking from others, and so horribly lonely because I have nothing to really give that's mine. Thank you for reading this. If you celebrate Easter...Happy Easter.
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