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Forgiveness came up in the "Personal Accountability Model" thread, but I prefer to put my thoughts in a separate, non-sticky thread. Besides, it's a subject worthy of it's own thread, I think.

I recently finally forgave someone for something that happened over 3 years ago. The holdup was, before I could forgive him, I had to accept that hurt he caused me. Intially, when he did what he did, it triggered a lot of stuff that didn't have to do with him. I experienced a lot of hurt, but because of all the triggered stuff, I really didn't get to sit with the hurt from what he did and work through it.

I suspect it's true for many folks, not just me, that sometimes forgiveness is hard because it means first accepting the hurt. I can't forgive someone for something if I'm denying it, or ignoring it.

For me, another step in forgiveness was then telling the person how I felt. Expressing the hurt. In this case by email. Circumstances made that the best choice.

It felt good to forgive. I felt freer. And it doesn't mean there's no issues between me and this person. It's a letting go of the hurt. But still letting the fast inform the present as far as boundaries and such.

There's a lot in these words for me. Especially in the first and last sentences. Telling someone how you feel when you haven't forgiven them requires solid boundaries. It seems a confidence in one's own ability to protect themselves is needed. I personally don't have much confidence with drawing boundaries and so now wonder how that obscures my ability to forgive.

Good for you Ellen.

For me I think it is just my nature to not hold on to things. i really can't hold a grudge...it takes too much energy for me......but I've always been like that. I find forgiveness to be a relief.....

This isn't a step for me with forgiveness. I consider talking to the person about how I felt or expressing the hurt to them for me is more of reconciliation.......which sometimes I do when I need to forgive and sometimes I just don't need that step or can't because the person is gone. I know that may seem like just semantics.....but for me they are really two very distinct things.

I'm glad that we all have ways that work for each of us. I certainly don't think there is a 'right' way or 'wrong' way with this type of thing-- whatever works for the person involved is good enough for me.

I do think learning to forgive (especially to forgive yourself) is a very important aspect of recovery in general. And a not-so-easy one at times too.

I wasn't generalizing. I was simply giving one example of forgiveness, and what it took to get there, in response to discussion (which was in another thread, as I noted) about having trouble forgiving. For me, in this particular instance, I had to share some feelings with the person before I forgive. Doesn't mean it is in other cases.

I don't think there's one right path to forgiveness. Rather, it's a matter of taking care of the things that get in the way of forgivness.

I understand the need to speak with the person in order to forgive. But what's been unfortunate for me is relying on that, when the person is either gone or unwilling to hear me out. Then I tend to feel a bit lost.

There is a particular hurt that I haven't been able to let go of. After 3 years, I have not been able to get any closure on it. I realize I must do this alone, since he is absolutely unwilling to have contact with me. It's been a very slow-moving process for me to do it this way, but it's going. After dealing with this for so long, I've realized that I might have to eliminate that step of forgiveness that has me express my feelings to them. It's not always going to be an option, and I would never want to feel so stuck again.

Good for you, Ellen. As hard as it may come to many of us, it's very worth it in the end.

Oops... I should proofread before posting.

End of my first paragraph should be:

...before I could forgive. Doesn't mean it's that way in other cases.

I was thinking about something brought up here. Forgiveness involves accepting that something hurtful was done, and then letting go of the hurt.

Part of accepting is a proper response to what happened. In this particular instance that meant telling him that what he did hurt me, and sharing some of my thoughts and feelings connected with it. And that's why it was part of forgiveness.

Forgiveness and reconcilation do sometimes go together though. There can be forgiveness with out reconcilation, of course. But I'm not sure true reconcilation is possible without forgiveness.