BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi,

My name is Lauren. And well I was first diagnosed in 2007, but this was right after losing my job. I was so depressed that I stopped going to work. I was not happy in my relationship, ended up staying with him for almost a year after the fact. But I was on lithium and cymbalta, they mostly seemed to control the outbursts. Later my psych doctor left the practice and the new doctor prescribed seroquel and wellbutrin. I ended up leaving my crazy druggie boyfriend who I dated for about 6 months after I broke up with the one who well just made me depressed. The crazy one sold all my stuff to buy drugs and pay rent, he also racked up bills in my name, I now have to file bankruptcy.

Now I feel even worse, my "boyfriend" whome I met online talked me to moving to Brunswick GA where it's very hot. I'm also pregnant and I hate his guts. He was just about to take my one fan away from me to the cool living room, yes I refuse to sleep with him, and I just about lost it again, so he freaking lost it of course and got angry at him and said if we get evicted he's not going with me. Good !! I wish I could leave. I hate him so much but I have nowhere to go. I only found one job here, part time, I'm lucky to make 800 a week. People say it's the hormones. I found a doctor who will only prescribe me wellbutrin, every time I get angry my boyfriend asks me if I took my wellbutrin. Today he pissed me off twice, and he keeps trying to take the fan away from me, I've already broken I don't know how much stuff because he's a damned spoiled brat , I bought the couch, I bought the living room tables, the tv is mine, the dvd player is mine, 95% of the stuff is mine, including the bed and dressers, and I paid the first month rent + deposit, I had saved up a little bit of money. Yet he tries to kick me out saying it's HIS HOUSE. Also the cops came one day because I just started screaming I can't handle this anymore. I just wish someone would kill me before I kill him because he's driving me up a wall. He managed to "let" me have the fan, probably because he did not want the cops to come by at 1:33am. But seriously he hogs the fan, yes it's freaking hot here, so I let him use it while he's playing his stupid world of Warcraft for 8 hrs. And I sit downstairs watching Dexter so I won't bother him or vice versa. I come upstairs and he tries to steal the fan and bring it downstairs!! I'm the damn person who's pregnant and is constantly burning up yet he gets angry about me wanting a fan. Why the hell can't he spend 20 bucks on a fan when he can spend 20 bucks monthly on a stupid game. He can't even pay the power bill which was 175, or the cable bill which is 80 because he's too busy "paying" rent and buying beer, and paying for his damn iphone. You would think he was 18 , but no he's 33 and he's an immature sod and I feel like I've made the worst mistake in my life and I have no where to go, suicide really does sound like a very good option, either that or screaming, but if I scream again he said I'll be evicted or better yet sent to jail. And I really would rather die than go to jail.

Sorry for the rant, he just happened to make me angry at that moment. I guess it happens. I've never had anyone ever make me angry as often as he does. Seriously driving me insane.

I've prob been BPD all of my life. Had trouble socializing as a kid, and would often be made fun of. High school was definitely a difficult time for me , I started to become bulimic then. I also used to cut myself. And when I was really upset I would kick a dresser or throw something. My brother pissed me off a couple times and I finally scared him so bad he quit pissing me off.

College wasn't much better, was ups and downs, with binge drinking mixed in, along with bulimia still. I started smoking when I was 20, this actually curbed some of my episodes and the bulimia as well. I actually was so depressed sometimes , usually over a guy who used me and forgot to ever call or vanish, that there were a couple semesters where I stopped attending class, I managed to withdraw from two of those semesters but not the third. My grades suffered for that, ended up with a 3.2, but there were a couple D's and C's on the transcript which made it near impossible for me to consider grad school. Nevermind being the way I was I never quite had a rapport with any professors to get any recommendations. I did receive A's though when I wasn't depressed and was in good spirits so to speak. The rest of the time was so unbalanced and depressed.

I've also never been able to keep a job, usually after a year I just get super depressed and sick and end up getting laid off or just quitting. I left one job because they did not like me having weekly doctor appointments during the day, this was to see a psych doctor, and well they did not like me having had so many sick days. I just couldn't handle not going to see a psych doctor that I ended up sick and told them I quit rather than being "fired".

Another job they laid me off which was nice of them since towards the end when I did show up I mostly just read adobe books, this was one of those jobs where they apparently hired me by error, and instead of doing my job they were having me constantly clean someone else's files.

Anyways the relationship front wasn't much better. The longest relationship was the one in which I was diagnosed with BPD. I had actually worked with my boyfriend and just felt he did not care about me anymore, this was prob a year since I had moved in with him. So I just stopped going to work, and they also were nice in that they said they laid me off. But when I was better I had asked for a job back, and they said no way. I was so depressed, I just spent my days sleeping or reading. I ended up being unemployed until I started my own business , I never called in sick, and did this for a year, but decided to stop mostly because a) I was making no profits and b) never seemed to have enough clients and work and c)decided to take a chance on a guy. C) was a big mistake. I had known him online for a couple years . And I had decided on closing my business and moving before I even met him. When I first met him I was instantly repulsed, he was shorter than me, hobbit like, walked like a troll, had bulging eyes, and chewed gum. I hate when people constantly chew gum.

But I had already dug my grave, burned my bridges. And well I made the mistake of at least trying to make it work and now I'm pregnant. I can't stand him at all now, he seems to want to piss me off every second. My parents won't even consider taking me back. And I have no friends since I burn all my bridges. I don't smoke since I'm pregnant, I also am not able to take any meds besides wellbutrin. I am angry all the time with my "boyfriend" because I blame him for me being pregnant, and blame him for me being trapped here with nowhere to go in a part time job that can't support me. '

I'm fine at work oddly when i do get to work. They keep cutting my hours, to the point where I have to beg my mom almost weekly for a 100 bucks to pay bills My coworkers say I smile all the time, but the truth is I am not happy "being home" unless I'm left alone. I can't even stand to look at my "boyfriend" . I have to call him that instead of "person I hate" but I'm living with, because too many people would pry and think I'm crazy, but wait I am crazy. And now since the cops showed up , well my neighbors and the cops know I'm crazy. I just feel like crawling in a hole and dying. The cop said everyone is stressed now, I said it was about money and filing bankruptcy, which is only part of stress. He also said I could find someone to talk to, like who? I don't have friends, and I don't open up to friends, because no one wants to hear it, especially my mom. She refuses to listen to me about this. I can only call her if I have nothing really to talk about , go figure. I have to pretend that everything is peachy keen.

And I figure maybe just maybe talking to others might help. And yeah I should prob be locked up, but my boyfriend won't make that call, even though he just threatens me with evictions now. He said he won't make that call because he needs my money to pay the bills and rent.

Hi magealita and welcome ....

I'm new here too and am just beginning to make my first steps towards recovery. It sounds like you're in a really difficult space at the moment, but are able to reflect on how you've ended up where you are, which I think is the first stage towards being able to start working to change it. I'm finding it really hard not to be angry at other people for the situation that i'm in, but I'm beginning to realise that it's taking away my energy from being able to improve things for myself. Perhaps when you're feeling a bit better, you could think about whether some of that energy that is going into anger towards your boyfriend (and yourself?) could go towards starting to take care of yourself a litte more? The tools on the left hand side of the page seem to have helped many people here to start to feel better able to handle their emotions and the situations they find themselves in, so maybe when you're feeling a little better you could have a look through them and see if you think that any of them could be useful to you too.

What I'm finding so encouraging about this site is that there seem to be many people here who have been through really tough times, and have managed to come through them and build a life that feels meaningful to them, even though things aren't always easy. Take care.

Hi again magealita ... I kind of regretted how I phrased my post to you and just realised I can't edit. I've never been part of an internet board before and am just finding my feet.... Just wanted to add that I hope you find the support here you need.

thanks I am taking little steps here and there.