BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi everyone. I am new to this group. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder 13 years ago at the age of 18. I have come a long ways in dealing with it and crap from my past. I have had only two relationships with men, each only 6 months. I have always been a tomboy and never wanted to consider the fact that I am probably not straight. For the last two years I have struggled a lot with this. I gave up the fight about a year ago and just decided it is ok to not be interested in men. Then I struggled with whether I was Bi or a lesbian. I realized I have never really had any interest in men. Two weeks ago I decided to get on a personals site to meet women. I met a wonderful woman, who turns out to be not ready for a relationship, due to a bad one serveral months ago. We have become friends and I know she is not feeding me a line. I am the one who helped her to figure out she was not ready. Where my problem is, is that for some reason my borderline features which have been pretty much hiding for years are back with a vengeance. Despite the fact that we now have a very good friendship. I am struggling to not feel rejected. Here's the really strange part. We are both therapists. We don't work for the same agency but our agency's work very close together. I had never met her before, but it created even one more similarity between us. The good news is that I am finally over my struggle about my sexual orientation. I am very attracted to her and really want to be with her in a relationship. BUT, she honestly is not ready, and obviously I am not with all my own mental health crap resurfacing. It's so bad that I am trying to track down a therapist in another county, where I can go without, having to worry about ruining future job prospects. Anyways, I would really appreciate advice from anyone willing to help. And please don't give me crap about being a therapist. It's too hard to deal with your own issues.

Did I post this in the wrong section? This is not a joke. I am serious. I really need someone to talk to and my coworkers are not a choice. I want to get a therapist, but am having trouble finding one in the next county taking clients. I can't go to this county, because of my position.

Hi jeepgirl,

We don't get loads and loads of traffic at this forum. It's kinda quiet but cozy So sometimes some hours may pass and there might not be a response to a post. It's nothing personal, just the time of day.

Anyways,

Take a peek at the tools on the left, they're a ginormous help.

From what I hear, therapists typically have their own T as well. They need someone to turn to, so I wouldn't judge you for needing an objective, third-party. It's just a big circle. I hope you have some better luck finding a T that's taking clients in another county! It must be rough to not have an outlet.

Again, take a look at those tools. They've been a huge help to me in 'breaking down' the problem.

Sorry if I seem impatient. I just thought maybe people were afraid to talk to me because I am a therapist. I am not here as a therapist. At this point being one if a big part of my problem. The woman I am interested in is also a therapist and she is encouraging me to get my master's degree in a social work program with her. I know my "I love you, I hate you" personality. I can't help but feel rejected by her, no matter how irrational I know it is. She isn't rejecting me at all. Then if we continue to be friends and she would get in a relationship with another woman. I can be sure I would feel very rejected, because that really would be rejecting me. The problem with being a therapist is I think and analyze too much, not good when you are also BPD. I could just scream. For the first time in almost ten years I want a therapist, and I can't find one.

If, in the case, she WERE to get in another relationship, that does not mean it is a reflection against you and a personal rejection. Especially if you two are beginning to form a close friendship. At that point, there is something to lose if things went beyond friends. You both stand to gain but also lose. I know for myself friendships are near and dear that I don't want to lose them to a relationship. It becomes about taking a risk then, and sometimes that risk isn't worth losing a blooming friendship for a chance.


Click on the link that says "Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking". I think that one is very helpful, as well as the 5 steps. Sometimes I have to go through them 20 times over before they sink into my thick skull.

I will read that later tonight. I am at work and only have a few minutes before my next client. I think it will be good for me to read. I have never really had friends. I push people away, pull them close, push them away. It isn't fair to them, so I usually avoid close friendships. She and I are so alike in so many ways that I shouldn't want a relationship with her beyond friendship, but I can't help my feelings. I need to focus on thinking straight. I will definitely read that later. Thanks for the advice.

hi jeepgirl,

it is really unfortunate that you can't just get a therapist that is good for you and not have to worry about it influencing your job prospects. Most people have problems and need help. It seems like people in the business should really understand that and be supportive.

Nevertheless....we don't live in utopia. so reality is what it is.....and you have a problem and you need some support. For now at least, this is a great place to get support. there are the tools to use and the medium of writing to allow you to vent your feelings. it's unanimous (as far as i know) so you don't have to worry about being "known" either.

I am happy for you that you have allowed yourself to "come out" and be who you are. I think it would be natural for your old intimate feelings to begin to show their face again now that you are closer to getting into a real relationship with intimacy.

In order to get the full benefit of an intimate relationship though....I think you need to work on those issues that you have buried for so many years now. They need to come out to the surface too.....and really only you can do that.

I've just gotten into yoga and it is great. harmonium talks a lot about running everyday.......do you have a physical outlet too? Is their a hobby you can do or a sport you can experience to get your mind and body connected and more healthy?

i gg now.....my puppy needs me. but i'll be around....so keep in touch.

I am one step closer to finding a therapist. I talked to a therapist today who thinks she knows another therapist that I can see. I am looking for someone who understands the feelings I am dealing with, in regards to sexual orientation. The therapist she actually suggested in a professor I had ten years ago in college. I didn't really talk to her much, so no conflicts in that, but she was openly lesbian and seems decent. So hopefully that works out. I have to run for now. I got a call from the college I want to get my grad degree from. I need to get to work on an essay for admission.

thanks for all your help. I will get on tomorrow while I am at work.

Hey I am here to help you in any way you want. Check out my story on season passes, maybe you can help me to lol. Thats awesome you are getting your masters, working toward that. So am I!

I have used the twisted thinking with my drug and alcohol clients. That is really good. I did find a therapist, but my insurance doesn't cover her. Out of professional courtesy she is going to see me for $25 and will write a letter to my insurance company to try to get coverage.

Babydoll I will read your info later, thanks for the offer of help.

I didn't realize it is so hard to get into grad school. I think the admissions process is going to be harder than getting the degree.