BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi there,

My name is Jen. I was diagnosed as Borderline in 2006. I have been on an antidepressant and Quetiapine since then. On 4 March my husband told me he was leaving due to the past. My pre-diagnosed and treated Borderline is too much for him to live with so he is going. We have been together for 10 years and we have a 4.5 year old daughter.

In the pre-treatment days I was emotionally abusive as well as verbally abusive. I was probably a horrible person to live with. I, like others, have the 'textbook' upbringing. Sexual abuse, crappy parents, abandonment by my mother, my father raped me, etc.

Since 2006 I have done a short-term DBT and have had a lot of clinical therapy with a psychiatrist.

I am working on entering a 16 week programme for anger management that starts next week. I am also trying to get into a 52 week DBT programme.

However, due to the seroquel I become very groggy at night and my husband will likely get custody of her. That thought alone has really sent my BPD into over-drive, as if the emotional disregulation wasn't enough to begin with.

I'm here to get some help. I need to find a way to get through this divorce without making myself look like a monster, instead of just the 'offending' party.

I have owned the emotional and verbal abuse. I am working to getting help. I just don't know how to deal with the constant rejection and the fear of him getting full custody.

We are still living together because I also have an autoinflammatory disease that is very difficult to live with.

I am not in the US but am from the US, so things legally are a bit different here.

I am looking for support and some hugs. This has been the most monsterous month of my life. I'm trying to stay present and not catastrophize things but the thought of losing my daughter is triggering the BPD like mad.

Welcome to BPDR

I know how scary it can be to face the thoughts -- it's like they could take over if you let them. And if you did let them take over, what would it gain you? Would you gain something different and/or better if you fought the thoughts & prevented them from taking over?

Sure, it's a real possibility but it's only a possibility. It's not a certainty so don't treat it as such, if you can help it. And even if it does come to pass, who's to say that it's a forever thing? Or that things will spiral downward as a result? It could be that him having her will give you the space and time to focus on getting your own stuff squared away so that you can develop a healthy mother-child relationship in the near future.

All sickness ain't death.

Thanks for the welcome Ash.

You're right, it is just a possibility. I am not emotionally or verbally abusive to my daughter so I've been able to break that cycle and it's something I am very proud of.

We are working on a tentative arrangement where I will spend every afternoon with her after school so I will still have a large presence in her life. Hopefully it will continue the routine we're in and that will be a very positive thing if we can achieve it.

The issues that my husband cites have not actually been issues for the past 4+ years. I do know that extreme situations trigger me and this is one of those. I want to do a real 52 weeks DBT to fix those triggers in me because I never want to feel this low and out of control again.

hi jen,

i just wanted to write a reply and let you know that from how i read your post, it sounds like you have a solid plan for therapy and pretty concrete goals (not lose your daughter), which are great!

i really wish you strength and hope! (with a dash of luck for good measure). im finding my DBT is requiring more determination than i anticipated, but it's worth it after only 3 weeks. it sounds like you're really determined to continue on the path to recover and i hope you find this forum and the tools (and your DBT) as helpful as i do!

Jen,

I am going through similar issues with my ex - I wish you strength & clarity & peace.
I give you Hugs!