BPDRecovery.com: Forums

hi everyone,

it's taken me a long time to come to terms with the person that i think i may be. i've been in and out of therapy for 15 years, never being able to benefit from it. i never found a good connection with any of the therapists i had seen and couldn't trust anyone. i was never very good at making friends and never felt very connected with my family. i could very easily be okay without either of them. i've always spent a lot of time alone and thought i preferred it that way.

i married while i was still in college solely because i got pregnant. that marriage, needless to say, ended badly. i've been a single mom now for about 5 years. it's really tough some days. i'm 29 now with no idea of who i am or what i want out of life. i've been in and out of college and have never really felt fulfilled or happy with my life. i have a boyfriend who is wonderful to me, for the most part. sometimes things with him get really tough. he's a workaholic with his own issues. we live two hours apart. it's really difficult on both of us. he can't ever say no to work and i need more from him. he never calls, never texts and i rarely see him lately. it's hard to decipher what's real in my head now and what's imagined. i don't know if it's a relationship worth pursuing or if it's better to move on and just continue to be alone. i love him more than life itself but it's difficult to have a relationship with someone who is never around. how do you know when you're blowing things out of proportion or if they're really justified?

i feel crazy all the time now. i have this distorted sense of reality and it seems like everyone takes advantage of that when i'm upset with them. i don't know if it's them making me feel like it's all my fault or if it really is all my fault. i feel as if i don't deserve to have these people in my life anyway so why do i bother. i don't even feel as if my baby boy loves me. i am really messed up.

i take cymbalta and it helps me the most any medicine ever has.. but i don't know how else to fix me. i want to be normal. i want to be like everybody else. i want to be able to feel like it's okay to love and be loved without fixating on the person and then shoving them out of my life. how do i do that? will i ever be normal or should i just give up on that dream? some days i want to toss it all in and give up on my life. i don't know where to begin to fix me.. emotionally i'm in so much pain.. is there room for me? is there any hope for me?

Hi Pookapad, and WELCOME to BPDR!

Of course there is room for you, and lots and lots of HOPE. We are happy that you have found this site!

I know emotional issues can be really daunting, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. With hard work and a recovery focus, you can get better. The tools here (and the people!) can help you do that, but we are not mental health professionals, just regular people struggling too. Having a good therapist is key for most of us, though I know it doesn't work for everyone.

Just dive in and make yourself comfortable. Please ask any question you might have. And again-- welcome!

Hi Pookapad,
I'm new too and it's taken me a long time to even consider that I could be BPD. One thing that's really helped me is reading about other people who have built reasonably happy lives and have brought their BPD behaviors under control. One is Tami Green (I think her website is under the resources); another is Kiera Van Gelder. I've been waiting for her book (The Buddha and the Borderline) to come out for several weeks now and last night my local Barnes and Noble finally had it in. It's reassuring to know other people have felt as confused and messed up and managed to make meaning of it anyway (and help others).

There is hope, for you, for all of us. I'm hanging onto that thought daily....

Welcome!