BPDRecovery.com: Forums

My name is Steve and for more than 35 years I have been suffering greatly. I never understood or understand any of my actions or
thoughts. I am impulsive, spending money recklessly, and I never care. I have lied (pathological) cheated and stole. I have never been
punished for any of my crimes, and so what? It is hard to really get help because of my constant need to lie and fabricate things. I guess
I am in a bad place now, because I want to reach out. I stumbled across 'bpd' and realized this could be the answer I was looking for. I am an
only child, and have been emotionally and physically abused by my parents. I recently became estranged, because I couldn't take the chaos
anymore. I can't handle myself. I am not capable of making sound decisions. For example, if you were to give me a stack of money and tell
me that it is the last of the money in the world and to be very careful with it, I would have it all spent in under 30 min. And I wouldn't care. I'd
act like I felt guilty, but only to shut you up. By then I'm already thinking of what else is interesting?
I could go on and on about how I feel and think and the destruction I have and will continue to cause, but we already know don't we?
I called my local mental health clinic. I was informed they would have a 'meeting' about me. Of course one of the first questions was how was
I going to 'pay'. Lets face it. I am destitute. I live with a wonderful long term gf and her 3 kids. I have broken them and made them broke. I think I
keep us broke, so they don't leave me. How she puts up with all this I don't know?
I'm really scared and worried that if and when I go to mental health, that if I am really honest, they will admit me. On the other hand I'm worried
that I won't be honest, and I'll be back to square one. I also am addicted to spice and alchohol. It helps 'numb' my feelings and thoughts
and keeps me level. It's not having smoke around that makes me highly agitated. I have stated I want to quit, to my gf, but as of now, I'm
feeling resentful that I don't get to do what I want to.
If anyone does read this, I really do wish for some advice/info.
I am confused, frustrated and want to be better...

hey steve
you want to get better right?
then you have to stop lying to mental health clinic / department.

The best thing you can do for yourself now is to get proper help / treatment. That is the hope that you can give to yourself

Hello there Steve! Welcome to BPDR. I fully understand your issues with pathologically lying and 'covering up' your true feelings of numbness, as it's virtually the same way for me. That constant need to feign interest in others or even your own problems can be very tiring indeed, and I also find that smoke helps. I really believe that there is hope out there and that seeking help from the mental health community must be a good idea, simply because so many have done so and benefited greatly, so why not us as well? Do yourself the biggest favor you can: be honest with yourself and trust them. They are there to help people like us, so what's the worst that will happen if you tell them the truth? They may see the 'real' you and disapprove? So what if they do? Not everyone needs to approve of who you are, that's their problem. Just remember, your not alone in this. And thank you; thank you for reminding me that neither am I. It's smiley time.

You obviously do care or you would not even be here. That could be something to get honest about right now. You do care about how this is affecting your life. You are perhaps ready to do something about it rather than continuing to suffer. That is a good first step.