BPDRecovery.com: Forums

hello,
For the last 16 months I have been in the state hospital. I was just discharged on Tuesday. Yesterday I wen t to the outpatient clinic for the first time. I seemed so different. The caseworker that helped me just didn't seem to understand me or the development of my symptoms. She didn't seem to know what services that would be benificial. Her boss suggested some kind of psych-social rehibilitation... what ever that is. I sounds like it might be a little below me... like a program I was in after being hospitalized another time.
Right now I am basically homeless (living inbetween my mom's and sister's houses). I lost my apartment when I was no longer able to pay for it because I was forced by the school district that I worked for to take an unpaied leave of absance due to some evaluation done by an employment psychologist. He said I was delusional, having hallucinations in frount of hime and to depressed and angry to full fill my job responsibilities.
I want to be better but I do not know how to get there. It mqakes me want to cry or injure when I think about it. I know however, I can not cave into my desires. I want to make in some time with out being in the hospital. I like my freedom but often do not know how to handle it.
My meds do not seem right... my doctor qaqt the hospital took me off my anti-psychotic and since then I have not felt right. I am going to see my outpatient doctor for the first time on Monday and I would like to tell her exactally how I feel but I am afraid of two things. Being rehospitalized or looked at like I don't know what is going on with myself. I hate going to new doctors but it is neccessary at this time, I guess.
Please, post some advice for me. I am so confused and my confusion makes me angry.
jujubeesk

That's a big adjustment, juju. It seems like anyone being in a hospital or a hotel or on a ship or a space station for sixteen months would feel some significant disorientation when coming back to "real life". Being expected to function "normally" with little or no support seems a but unrealistic to me.

Did the caseworker or hospital folk do or say anything about getting you some support from state rehab? Job related support seems to be one of the things they routinely offer in many states. Did they not point you toward any resources that could help with your living arrangements? No consideration of a "half way house" or some such supportive living arrangement as a transition measure?

The only suggestion I have about talking with the doc about meds would be to keep a precise written inventory. Notice and write physical and emotional "symptoms" as they occur during the next few days. This may suggest to them that you are trying to deal with that part of the problem in a very rational way.

I hope you will find support and encouragement soon, Juju.

hi juju

it sounds like you have some matters in front of you that 'seem' overwhelming. fortunately though, from reading your words it sounds like you have the right attitude and starting foundation to get on the right track now and to keep moving forward. Please, do not let fear of the 'unknown' (what may or may not happen at the dr. visits, etc...) get in the way of your day to day needs and progress.

have you had a chance to read the ::Tools:: to the left side of this webpage? They can be very helpful. It is very important right now, exp. at this stage in your *new* freedom to plan and take little steps. To get the right footing. The tools help me to start to see that my anger and confusion were getting in the way and that the way I interpreted and felt about things could be adjusted.... stabilized.

anyhow, i'm glad to hear that you are *free* and that you are not hurting yourself anymore. I hope you can find the support and self-direction that you need right now.

take care,
bumpy

juju, it's good to see you here. You have so much happening right now in your life, it's gotta feel really overwhelming! When you get stabalised on your meds, it will probably help a lot with some of the more negative, powerful emotions. And then like bump mentioned, you can start using the tools, which will help you make your life manageable, and eventually happy.

Please keep posting and trying to work out your feelings for now - writing can be a powerful tool in its own right: it'll help you sort out the confusion and defuse some of the anger.

all best,
Marni/oceanheart