BPDRecovery.com: Forums

[size=18]Hi all,

I'm new to this site and look forward to using it and growing in discovery because of it.

Short version:

I have emotionally abused my wife for 5 years. She is threatening to leave me, which I'm trying to stop. We have been together for 17yrs (8 married) with a 7yr old daughter.[/size]

Welcome. I'm not sure what you're looking for -- maybe you can provide more detail. But I hope that you find good support here. jim

Hey there, rk! Nice to see you

Hi, fancy meeting you here......

rk, welcome to BPDR. I followed your really good interaction with BumpyRoad over on the bpdfamily.com site and like him, was impressed with your desire to take responsibility for your actions concerning your relationship with your wife.

I understand you are feeling upset about the problems you're having in your marriage. I can't imagine how scary it must feel to think you may lose your family over your own behavior.

But you have come to the right place to work on getting better. We call it working towards "happy, healthy living."

And like Bumpy said over there, it doesn't really matter what label you put on your behavior. What matters is changing abusive and dysfunctional behavior.

This site offers great support and it also offers great "tools" to help you understand and change. Take a look at the links underneath the heading "Tools" on the left side of the page, especially the first 4 links: they've been very helpful for me to get better. If you have any questions how to use them, please feel free to ask anyone here for help. Jim, who posted earlier in this thread is a man - and is a very wise and kind one at that - as is IBFuddled. I'm sure they'd help if you prefer talking to males. If you don't have a preference, the rest of us gals here are pretty cool, too :biggrin.

Once again, welcome to BPDR!
Marni/oceanheart

Yeah... not only are they "pretty cool", but they are incredibly handy with duct tape when the fellas get out of line. Which is never.

Been there. Lost mine. Twice. No, three times. Thought I would simply die.
I didn't. I came here instead. If I were so inclined, I suppose I could roll on again now. There is life after BPD calamity. With or without.

Hop on the bus, Gus. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy.

Just set yourself free.

:laugh

Thanks and I have checked out some of the tools already. My desire is to get better and hopefully save my marriage.

NPd is a degree or type of BPD. it is very diff tho, from some of the other types. and you might like to read mine and GH CCs on conversation corner. we are exploring this very subject.

i wish you the best with this. the need to emotionally abuse is within you, the reason (s) are within you. it is very possible to change the way you respond to a much healthier, positive way.

usually, not saying this is you tho, but usually abusers have been taught this by their own abusers. they do not know another way to respond. they also have to learn to see where their anger comes from and a better way to express it and own it themselves. to see where the anger is being directed, and either direct it where it belongs, or express it in a non hostile, healthy way.

if you have been together 17 yrs, and done this for 5, what happened at the 5 yr mark to change how you communicate or your needs?

nice to meet you:) npd is not the same as anything else, there is big differences and abuse doesnt make one npd. tendencies, yes, not the disorder itself.

if you have been together 17 yrs, and done this for 5, what happened at the 5 yr mark to change how you communicate or your needs?
Don't like to use this as an excuse but, a new position at work and I think maybe stress related to being a father and sole provider.

It wasn't exclusive to the 5 yr mark though my wife has told me that I had always been that way but that is when it all came out and was intolerable. She was ready to leave then but stayed for the sake of our little one. Recently though ahe stated that she realized staying wasn't helping our daughter because she in turn was treating my wife the same way. I notice this now but was against the belief on the occassions that she'd mention it.

it is true that children will continue the abuse cycle. either in being abusers, or being victims. ie...there is a good chance your daughter will abuse, or find abusers who hurt her. not a good thought, is it? my daughter has married 2 of them. but leaving my abuser would have put her in a more dangerous position so really, leaving or staying both have their problems.

your wife can set boundaries, tho. so can you. and these will help a ton.

usually during stress, we will revert to what we learned as children. abuse is taught. the method of communicating is taught to us by our caregivers. the good thing is we can change it! i applaud your desire to change. i hope you mean it.

are you in counseling? there are some excellent ones out there educated in abuse. shelters often offer it for free. books abound in the bookstores..and libraries.

scary stuff to look inside ourselves, but so worth it. best to you in this journey and to your wife as she will have lots to learn also. we are never the "only one" in a relationship. she has to see her part in not fueling the fire, not allowing your words or actions, and to set boundaries for her on this. there are some key ways to stop this in its tracks. and it would help you as well as her and the daughter.

I'm thinkin'... a pattern of dishing out abuse can be a manifestation of things other than a personality disorder.

[Off the top o' me head, my step-dad was a violent man with a short temper who taught me how "incompetent" and "worthless" I am, but I don't think he had a personality disorder. My husband doesn't handle daily 'curve-balls' very well and can be verbally abusive - he's an adult child of an alcoholic (and probably suffers periodic depression).]

What I'm getting at is, from what you've shared here -- although I think the Tools listed should be recommended reading for everyone of all walks of life -- there can be more, or less, to whatever's going on with you, rk, than either BPD or NPD or both. Any other indications that are problematic?

~ jr


:skritch jody, I'd understood that NPD and BPD are separate disorders, 'tho they can be co-morbid and both are considered Cluster B? I hadn't heard that one was a degree or type of the other.

The only verbal was demeaning/degrading, minimizing her feelings/opinions, not respecting her point of view, and telling her she was always negative. The BPD/NPD mostly comes from what I am/feel and act with/within myself.

it is very hard to dx ourselves and really its a label for what we need to do to fix things. its better to see and recognize the negative issues and work on changing them to positives, than what label to put on ourselves at the moment. you need a pdr or T for that.

im not saying this poster is a abuser or not, i dont know him. my T did tell me about 80% of abusers are bpd. im NOT saying 80% of bpder's are abusers. im saying it the other way around. when i say this, invariably someone pops up about it.

altho you can get 20 pdrs and get 20 views, i have read where npd is a type or degree of bpd. it is my belief, but i am only speaking for myself. i do believe the source i read that from and wish i could find it now. it is on a N site...of which i have about 100. not the sam valkin one, cause i cant stand his attitude.

rk, you can learn a more healthy way to communicate with your wife and others. the self work is why we are all here! come join!

yes, a pattern of abuse can be way not a personality disorder. it can be that one doesnt know how to communicate. can be many things.

one can have bpd and not npd...im sure. it really is how it is manifested...there also are several types of npd also...it can get confusing!