BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi. Feeling like C.R.A.P. Can't write much as B/f on way home and I don't want to get busted being on the computer. I am ready to leave him. For the Umpteenth time. This time I am serious. T. got me a case worker to help me along the way (moving out etc). I meet with the case worker and my T. on Friday. Been so sick mentally that I didn't even get to exercise my visitation with my kids last week and last weekend and again tomorrow night. They are the only reason I live. If I am going to be sick the rest of my life, I might as well not live.

I am carrying around an anger that will not quiet. I need to leave my B/F, but I hate all the emotion that goes with that. This is NOT a spontaneous decision. I have spoken at length with my T. and we have decided this would be the best course of action.

Right now I just need to meet some people on this site to help me through this very painful time in my life. I feel like such a loser. I feel so depressed, yet my mania scale is off the roof. I did drugs yesterday. First time in 2 years. Still off the booze though, 5 years strong. I just needed to escape ME. Please help me. I'm cutting again too. It makes me feel like I am in control of some part of my life. I've gained weight and I have GREAT difficulty giving myself any type of worth with my tummy hanging over the top my my jeans. I can't go try on new clothes cuz they are all tooooo small, no matter how big I go and that makes me feel like even more of a loser. PORKY PORKY PORKY PIG. Worthless P.O.S.

B/F home. gotta go.

Hey Blurry. We don't do trigger warnings around here, so I removed it from your title.

Sounds like you're going thru a really tough time. I'm glad you have people helping you, but it sounds like you're still very overwhelmed. Are you taking meds? Are you really sharing your feelings with your T?

We're here when you need us, hon.

This sounds very similar to the way I was feeling before I left my son's father. We had a long relationship but in the end we cold hardly stand each other. We both wanted to leave but neither one of us would do it. It was a sick sort of security issue. Oh well, my point is that sometimes when you think you absolutely can NOT do something you surprise yourself. I never thought we would split but I am living a totally different life 3 yrs later. Now my ex is pretty much my best friend.

Situations like being on your own can be really scary. But hurting yourself doesn't make it any better. I don't know your whole story but I do know that. Moments when you are so overwhelmed and you just want to cut or do some other destructive thing, try beating the crap out of a pillow. Something that won't leave permanent damage you know. I consider pillow abuse to be a cathartic release. : )

And everyone feels bad about their self image from time to time. (I need to practice what I preach here, but) just because you aren't at your ideal weight doesn't mean you should be so hard on yourself. There are a lot of things to do to change that. When you are feeling better you could start an exercise program. Walking can be nice.

Yeah, these last few weeks have been living hell for me. I struggle to know if I'm thinking clearly or if I am in a manic fog or a depressive fallout. With the help of 2x weekly visits to my T, I think she can lead me down the most straight road.
All that being said, I am moving out of my b/f's house. I can't take it any longer. Not only is he a sex addict and as my therapist calls him "a slave driver" and says that I am "enslaved" (of course, as a T. she points out that I am allowing this behavior...) he is unappreciative of all I do for him. I can't kick him out cuz I live in his house. I am meeting with a case worker on Friday to discuss my options. I am on disability and have a very high SUV payment. I need to sell my truck so I am able to afford an apartment on my own. I will be applying for section 8 this week.
We have 4 kids between the two of us. I have Zack-15, and Haley-10. They live with their dad and their step-mom and their step sisters-Kali-5, and London 3. My b/f kids live with their Mom and step dad and half brother Chad-5. There are only 2 days a week that we are alone in the house without kids here. My b/f does nothing. I mean nothing except work. He doesn't give me money except for grocery money. He did help with the downpayment on my suv. He buys me makeup at christmas time and mother's day etc. THe point is he works 90 hrs. a week. Gone in the A.M. at 5:30 and home at night at 8:45 pm.
His schedule recently changed having him leave at 5:30 a.m. and home by 6:45. Who does these chores? (ONLY ME)
1.COOK 2. CLEAN 3. SHOP 4 FOOD 4. UNLOAD GROCERIES 5. LAUNDRY (sort, empty pocket, turn right side in, wash, dry, fold, hang, put in drawers 6.VACUUM CARPETS 7. WINDEX GLASS, 8. DUST, 9. PICK UP AFTER KIDS (trash, bathroom toothpase mess, etc etc) 10. RUN ERRANDS FOR HIM AS HE ISN'T HOME DURING BUSINESS HOURS, 11.PAY ALL THE BILLS 12.BALANCE THE CHECKBOOK 13. BE LIASON TO HIS ATTY. OFFICE AS HE IS TRYING TO GET CUSTODY OF HIS KIDS (I do all the work on this too mind you like meeting with the paralegals to clarify issues, child support, legal papers etc...) 14. CHAUFFER HIS KIDS AROUND, PICK UP FROM SCHOOL, TAKE TO THEIR THERAPY SESSIONS, DROP THEM OFF AT SCHOOL, TAKE TO BAND PRACTICE, ETC 15. FU** HIM ALMOST EVERY NIGHT 16. HAND WASH DISHES (ALL OF THEM...WE HAVE NO DISHWASHER) ALSO PUT DISHES AWAY 17. SCRUB HIS CRAP OFF THE BACK OF THE TOILET (YUCKY I KNOW-SRY) 18. CLEAN THE BATHROOMS 19. TAKE OUT THE TRASH FROM INSIDE (ALL ROOMS) TO OUTSIDE CAN TO CURB AND EMPTY CURB TO HOUSE (I HAVE DEGENERRATED DISK DISEASE AND A HERNIATED DISK ALSO) 20. MOW THE YARD, RAKE 21. ON AND ON AND ON....
HE HAS VACUUMED ONE ROOM OF THE HOUSE 2X IN 2 YEARS. HE HASN'T COOKED ANYTHING OF VALUE (UNLESS RAMEN NOODLES COUNT, OR RICE WITH VIENNA SAUSAGES) HE HAS TAKEN THE TRASH OUT MAYBE 10 TIMES IN THE LAST 2 YEARS, DONE 1 LOAD OF LAUNDRY AND OCCAISIONALLY DRIVES HIS KIDS HERE-TO=THERE, NEVER NEVER NEVER PICKED UP MY KIDS OR DROPED THEM OFF ANYWHERE.
So, here I am trying to run a household by myself and I am very, very sick. He knows this and apparently just doesn't give a shit. I only shop at Goodwill for myself (as I'm on disability) because I can't afford to go to a real store. He asked me to marry him 4 months ago and I'm yet to see a ring. He has money. 80K last year. I've been sick as a dog and needed medication and he won't offer one fu**ing cent to help. He also spent $1,200 on a new paint job for a piece of shit car 1983 Toyota corolla) plus he bought an $800 radio. Now he just purchased a 1991 BMW with $3,500 cash. AND YOU WANT TO TELL ME HE CAN'T AFFORD A RING? fh fh fh fhfh
I definately could do without all the stress. You think? My kids don't like him much. I never leave them alone in his presence, especially my baby girl. I would never leave her with anybody though cuz I never want her to be in the position of getting molested/raped on my watch. But my kids think he's rude and short and snappy. They see me doing all the work around here. I don't want my daughter to have this image in her head when she goes seeking a mate.
Last Sunday was his first day off in a long time. Guess how he spent it? Outside waxing his new car, cleaning the rims and the tires, scrapping the tint off the windows. I'm so done. I'm so done. I'm so done.

Gee, I feel overwhelmed with support. thanks.This reaching out thing is really working for me. not.

Blurry, since you're new, you don't truly know the dynamics of the board. People have lives and come on when they can. They post when they can relate to what you're going through. Sometimes, they're dealing with their own stuff and can't really help another.

Something else to think about is putting space between your paragraphs like I did above. I'll be honest, I just couldn't read your second post in this thread.

Be patient. People around here are very supportive. You need to get to know us a bit, first.

blurry, i have been reading your thread but dont know what to say to you.

while he is a jerk, so is my H. it is what we allow that matters. and if we allow crap, we get crap.

i hope you find a better place to live and wish you the best.

Thanks for the responses. It's just nice to know you aren't totally alone in this crappy world.



Sorry for smoooshing my paragraphs. I'll do better next time.

No, you're not alone. Far from it!

your not alone, as Trinity said.

what we all try to focus on is ourselves, not anothers behavior. we are all we can fix!

I don't see anything wrong in that statement. Goes right along with the Four Agreements.

Our word should be as strong as any piece of paper.