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How many people live inside you?
How many personalities can you act out in your head?
Who or what do they look like?
Do they look like the person that looks back at you in the mirror?
Each girl has a quality that I desire most to be like.
One of them knows how to talk and form words into sentences that make people think "omg, she's not a dork!" She's intelligent.
I've spent so much time daydreaming about being a different "her", I've forgotten i had to figure how to be me.
I haven't figured out how to use them or ignore them.
How do I get rid of the future, the confusion?
How much of it can I take?
I'm tired.
I want one existence.
I want the girls to go away. They're voices and they're eyes.
I would hate not being able to see they're eyes.
I made them real. I made them real by creating memories around them.
I can still remember some of my early reccuring daydreams.
How can I get to one consciousness when I can't get to one existence.



never told anyone that one O.o

I created another self during my freshman year in high school. Being "myself" wasn't working for me, so I created someone else I could become instead. As far as I was concerned, I threw my old self away so I could be someone else instead.

I lived that persona for many years, but it did nothing to help me. The "new me" was just as sick as the "old me", just in different ways. I began tweaking myself, trying on ideas from the different people I was with. If it was good enough for them, then maybe that's who I could be. And so I kept creating myself over and over, trying to get it right.

As I've begun my recovery, I find myself feeling lost and confused because I can no longer recall who I really am and what I really want. I spent so much time running away from myself...I'm deconstructing now. Taking off all those layers and thoughts and beliefs to see what really fits. To see who I am without all the "costumes" I built.

There's a lot more "me" left than I thought there would be. I still deal with some...fragmented ego states. I can be very professional or very sexy or very shy or very goofy, and they all feel very separate from another. But they really ARE all me. Different facets, like a mirrored ball or a fine gem. All aspects of me that reflect something different when the light shines.

I still put on this poser personality to get by in the world. That there is this person I am while I'm at school, another while I'm at work, another while I'm with my family. It's gotten where I don't know who the real me is. I've been trying to find that person and keep my interactions with other people more real. God has blessed me recently with some very "real", "alive", "human" moments that require me to step out of myself and be as real as I'm able. Also some opprotunities to really put myself out there.
It's scary and uncomfortable but I think that uncomfortable moments are required for real recovery. I guess that my only advise, at least what has been working for me, is to try to be as real as you are able. It will be a little bit at first. As time goes by it will increase. Just hang in there it will get better.

I know this "role playing" only too well. I think it goes with BPD, not knowing your true identity? I have really cultivated this so that I can pretend to be according to what others expect me to be. Sometimes I even plan how and what I want to be, say and do in advance to reach a goal.
I call this wearing a mask and it only works for a certain time before the true "not wanting to be this person" breaks through.
I explained it to a T a long time ago as having a demon sitting on my right shoulder who always wispers bad stuff in my ear. and the voice is stronger than the one of my real self. this creature counteracts on everything positiv and stress free I want to think, say and do and tells me that it is no good anyway.

My T told me to talk to this imaginary demon and addressed it with the name Ingrid instead of Birgit, his mistake but as it so happens, my mother's name is Ingrid (which he didn't know!). And he had it right, she was the one who forced me to ignore who I really am and want to be, from day 1 and never owned up to it and now I am crying, don't know why though, or do I??

Birgit

I knew I wasn't the only one who thought like this so thanks, to actually see it in someone else's words. I've actually done this for as long as I can remember. I may have been a little under the influence so reading it now it sounds so cheesy. I so could have worded it different thinking about it now, heh. It just has gotten to the point where I'm tired of it. It's so second nature I can't just think normally.

This I understand. I feel like I've been asleep for years and I'm beginning to wake up. Shifting between the personalities of the dreams, finding which are genuine and which are wishful thinking.



And I just like what you said here. Like I could have said it.