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Hi. I had a really strange weekend. I went out with my H Saturday night to a concert. We also were expecting company on Sunday. So we spent Saturday afternoon before the concert cleaning up the house. We got into a spat. He didn't like the way I washed the kitchen floor. He got upset because I didn't use the "right" bucket. I got very defensive and stopped speaking to him.

By the time we got to the concert, all my rational thought went out the window. I was feeling terrible. I hated myself. We were standing up on the 2nd floor, sort of on a balcony overlooking the lobby. I thought of throwing myself over the railing. I was feeling terrible.

We eventually made up, but I am really concerned because at the time I was feeling bad, I could not access any of the skills I had learned. My emotions were all jumbled up together and I could not make sense of them. It was as if I had a filter on in my brain. Nothing rational could get through. I was in a concert hall, so I could not access any DBT papers I had or the Tools. It was as if my brain had shut down.

This has happened to me before. I get so caught up in the emotions, which I cannot even describe, that I can't "see straight." I just know that I feel bad, but I can't identify the emotions or what I should do next.

Any tips?

you might check out what Ash suggested to me in our CC. this is what happens to me also....altho for diff causes.

i am gonna make a list...maybe put a small note in my purse, even.

that is what i do....yes...good description. im still struggling with it also. its powerful to overcome, very hard for me. yet its our choice, regardless what another may do or not do.

shit, its hard. good luck. recognizing the need is very important, i think, and your behavior as you have.

This is the point where Mindfulness comes in so handy for me. I always breath, so I look to my breath first. Take each thought moment by moment. When I begin to get back to the NOW, I begin to start to see 'straight' again. It gives me time to work through my feelings and really discover how I FEEL about something. I always go back to my breath, taking a deep, long, slow breath has so many calming effects for me.

I also keep a copy of the 4 Agreements in my purse at all times. Just reading over these in moments of stress helps me recall what is important.

((Bordergirl))

Thank you Jody and Harmonium. I guess I need to make a list. And yes, to start breathing. I was so overwhelmed on Saturday - my H just kept saying this and that. It's not like he said just one thing - it was a few things. It all came too fast for me to process. I went back to thinking what a bad person I am, etc. etc. etc. Problem is - he thinks HIS way is the right (only) way. I told him no one died and the world didn't come to an end because I didn't use "the bucket." Silly stuff, really.

What were my feelings? Looking back - anger, frustration, self-hate. I wavered between being angry at him for making a big deal out of it, and hating myself because (in his eyes) I "can't do anything right." I was frustrated because I tried to show him it wasn't the big deal he made it out to be.

We were both tired and on edge. We had too much to do in a short period of time. I have to remember not to step back into self-hate mode. Learn to breathe deeply. Maybe even make a joke about it.

Okay - thanks!!!!

My first thought was...How long did you let those emotions run before you considered reining them back in?
Was it after the "bucket crap"?
Getting dressed for the concert?
On the way there?
Halfway through?

I have a lot more success with my skill set if I apply them as soon as possible. The longer I let my emotions run loose, the harder it is for me to get myself back under control.

Having something physical that I can touch to "ground" me can be helpful sometimes, too. Keeping a list of skills with you is a good idea. A friend gave me a stone with the word "peace" carved into it, which can be a good reminder. I also carry my AA token in my wallet (or purse) - it's got the Serenity prayer on the back of it, and that's another useful thing.

Me? I get as far as I am not sure I can even straight and head straight for the air outside. I would take a step outside, breath in the air, take a wander around the garden, stop and feel the texture of the grass, especially if I can remove my shoes. Bring me back to calm. Whilst tellingme some delightful things about the world around me. Slowly as I come back to myself I would start to rationalise what had happened and begin to think through the next step.

When I am out, I carry a small shell in my purse. I hold it in my hand and focus on it, how it feels, it's texture, give myself pause for thought as I breath with my focus on my shell.

I find visual and sensual cues to calm and breath useful.

Thanks Minx. I sort of knew between the washing the floor "wrong" to the bucket thing that I needed to rein in my feelings. But I was very tired and overwhelmed and couldn't seem to do it. To have something concrete with me would be a good idea. I like the idea of the Peace stone. I can keep something like that in my purse - I would have it at all times and it can ground me.

I will admit - I was being Willful and chose not to access the skills either. I was so angry at my H that I turned the anger inward onto myself, and wallowed in it. I should have known better. I am going to have to put a contingency plan into place.

I think a lot of this has to do with how I feel about myself ATM. I am 50 lbs. overweight and feel like shit. I walk heavily, my blood sugar is elevated and I feel like a blob. I can't buy the clothes I like because nothing fits me. I'm really disgusted with myself.

So when my H started in on me the other night, it just reinforced my negative feelings about myself. I think I'm awful - and he thinks I'm awful. That was my twisted thinking. So it was an easy leap to feeling sorry for myself, etc. etc.

I plan on working on this. Thanks.

Tracy! For some reason I never saw your post. Thank you so much for the advice. I like that idea.

I saw my T today. We discussed the situation. He told me that the issues my H had were HIS problems, not mine. I didn't need to take them on as my own. I told him how I felt about wanting people to take care of me and how I set myself up for that with my H.

My T suggested I read (again) the Distress Tolerance pages in the DBT workbook. I am going to do that. I need to keep re-reading them so they finally get embedded in my brain. So I'll be able to access them when I need to.

I also told him that I get sooo tired of having to work all the time. I constantly have to work at being stable. I get tired of it sometimes. So when I do have a problem, I'm apt to just give in to it and not use the skills I learned. I'm just so freaking tired of it all. But I have no choice, do I? I mean, I'm in therapy to learn and I'm here to learn, so I have to do these things. I guess it just goes with the territory.

BG you are human. An aspect of being a human being is to make mistakes and learn from them. Of course you get tired, it sure is hard work. But to me the process of acknowledging my slips/ mistakes and aiming to try something different next time has to be enough. Everytime I feel I didn't quite do well enough, or acknowledge I would like to have done better with that situation, I learn something. Those learning instances are more important to me than getting my reactions spot on 100% percent of the time. Guess that is why there is such a thing as "having a bad day!"

I'm glad you had such a good session with your T today BG!

You hit on something that weighs on my mind too:


Many things have become second nature, so I do believe that it gets easier. I know that my use of tools in dealing with my emotions does become more of a natural response rather than something I actively have to think about processing. Not to go off-topic (maybe I need to start a thread) But....

Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that Adult Life, Happiness, Stability-- all of that stuff, was 'supposed' to come naturally. I thought it was easy for all to achieve, at least all without mental disorder. I thought everyone Else had somehow just 'figured it all out' and I was the one struggling to come to grips with why I had to work so hard daily to achieve the same sense of balance in my life. Maybe it was just presented to me as 'easy' when I was a child--the adults trying to 'put on their best face' in front of the kids. I dunno. It doesn't matter, really. The point is...

Life IS hard. For everyone. Not just people with BPD. Everyone struggles to maintain balance in their lives. People have been arguing the 'meaning of life' ad nauseum. People always look for 'quick fixes' when everyone knows they don't exist. Everyone gets tired of the daily grind, everyone fails sometimes. IMHO, failing at times is not the bad part. The bad part, at least for me, is deciding to fail for the rest of my life. Deciding to never try again. Not getting back up and starting over, that would be bad for me. You say that you guess it just goes with the territory. I think it just goes with the territory of being human. Get busy livin' or get busy dyin', as it were. I have to remember that life is a series of nows-- I won't get all the nows right, but when I don't like the way I handle a particular now (or a string of them,lol)-- I just have to begin anew with the now that I am in. Most importantly, so does everyone else, even the 'normals' out there.

Sorry Tracy I didn't see your post! Good point!

Thanks Tracy. You're right. At least I acknowledged that I could have done better, or worked harder. It's better than being defensive and saying "I can't do this or I can't do that." I DO have a workbook here that I can refer to. And a T whom I can talk to. Thanks. Sometimes I just want to wallow in my misery. I was so physically tired on Saturday that I didn't have the energy to work on any skills at the time. Gosh, 3 years ago I had NO skills. I had NO information. At least now I have those things. And I have a wonderful T who is there to get me back on track. I have a lot to be grateful for!

Hi. I saw my T yesterday. We talked about what happened this weekend. He knows this is an on-going problem I have with my H. He feels my H gets obsessive about certain things - that his way is the only way. He basically said this is my H's problem and I shouldn't take it on. So my mistake was getting all pissy and defensive. I told him that I couldn't/wouldn't access any skills. He suggested I re-read the DBT workbook where they discuss Distress Tolerance Skills. I'm going to read them every day - for as long as it takes to sink in.

I also discussed my on-going need to be taken care of. I have a push-pull situation with my H. I have always wanted him to take care of me, but then when he does try to tell me what to do, I get angry and defensive at him. I want to be able to have my cake and eat it too. So we discussed that a bit too.

I told him how tired I sometimes am of having to work at being "normal." It takes a lot of energy to do this. I get so tired of it sometimes. I told him that on Saturday night I just wanted to wallow in my misery. So he asked me what the pay-off was for me. I thought he knew the answer, but he didn't. He just said it's something I should think about.

So it was a real good session. I opened up to him and told him things I'd never discussed before. This week is 3 years since I began seeing him. I can't believe it's been that long already. He's taught me a lot in 3 years - we've been through a lot together!

Interestingly enough, he did not mention me going off Risperdal at all. So I guess he doesn't believe this is a result of me getting off of it. Rather, it's a long-standing problem I've had with my H for many years.

Thanks all.

I go the other way. My mom has all the right answers too, I can't imagine what she would have said if i'd used the wrong bucket. I stop whatever I am trying to do to help and let her do it.

"Mom, I can't make the hospital corners the way you do? Ok, you make the bed."

Please let me cook in the kitchen alone/ (so she can't make comments)
If she starts to "help" I walk out.

I don't know if its grown-up, i'm pretty sure your house would get pretty messy if you H was responsible for everything, I just know that feeling of being told you can't even do something simple correctly. My biggest issue I'm working on is probably that with my mother.

That's an interesting post Kari. When I was a little girl, we lived in a very, very small apartment. One bedroom, one bathroom, one living room and a very small kitchen. My mother did everything. She thought it was easier for her to do it and do it "right" rather than allow me and my sister to try and possibly make mistakes. So I never had to clean, cook, do laundry, or anything. So when I got married I knew very little about house-cleaning.

My T feels my H is pretty obsessive about things. My H is the sort who says that his way is the "right way." So between him and my mother, I am bombarded with doing things the "right way." So to me, whatever I do isn't good enough.

I have to learn that there is no "right way." Whatever you do, you do. I do my best and if that's not good enough, tough shit. What else can I say? I told my H that if he doesn't like the way I do it, either he does it himself or he hires a maid.

I'm doing the best I can - if it's not good enough, too bad. As my T said, it's his stuff. I just have to keep remembering it.

Good for you. And you are right, I've finally getting to a point in my life where I can do OK. I used to either do nothing because i didn't think i could do it right, so why try and fail, or become obsessive like your H.

Hi I have a similar Issue,it seems when in the actual situation all my dbt skills and other coping skills go out the window.For example at my channukah party, my dad and stepmom triggered me in every way possible making fun of my outfit and everything else and when I tried to stand up for myself my stepmom who I thought was on my side told me to stop this it was a party and I was being selfish. I can't take these triggering issues all I do is cry and obsess when it happens and if i need to spend anymore time with them i don't think I could handle it.It's sad because I do love them but the triggering has got to stop.Is it me or is it them? and why can't I control my crying and just use my skills.It's frustrating.I'm here for you

Wow, I'm not the only person living with someone who has all out OCD when it comes to cleaning, and then gets frustrated because nobody does it their way???? The ideas that were shared were very helpful in my situation, thank you!

I'm glad this helped Harindy. My husband does not have OCD. He just thinks the way he does things is the best way. He needs to learn otherwise!

BG, I sooo relate to what you went through with your husband. My fiance and I go through that constantly. I was thinking about the title of this topic. The "Need Assistance with Skills" and I was just thinking how awesome it is that you have the ability to look back with such clarity and figure out what you need to do differently. Not everyone can do that. I know with me, it takes talking to a few people to even realize that I need to untwist my thinking or handle a situation in a certain way. I think you really have a lot of insight. I also think that stumbling is all part of the journey. And the fact that you can talk to your T and us on here and then think your way through it so that you can help yourself in the future..well I think that is growth. :-) This post helped me a lot. Thanks! :-)

Oh..and I love the Distress Tolerance Skills worksheets. You reminded me that I need to read those again, too! Yay! :-)