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Well, today started out a wonderful day. I got in my car to go someplace and had my new Bob Dylan album in the CD player. I turned on the engine, turned on the CD and turned on my cell phone. I'm driving along, enjoying the music, when my phone beeps - I have a message. It's my T's office. He's cancelling tomorrow's session. I was really angry. He won't be in the office at all next week. So that would be 2 weeks I wouldn't see him. I called him on my cell phone and left a message, saying I felt bad that he cancelled. So since I was near the office, I drove over to make another appointment for this week. The secretary tells me he's all booked up and has nothing. I am angry and upset as hell. I can't take it out on her - it's not her fault and I can't behave "badly." So I walked out. I ran into a friend, who wanted to have coffee, but I said no, I can't. I said "I love you, but I can't have coffee with you today."

So I got in my car, started crying and screaming (the windows were closed). I called my T again, telling him they did not have an appointment for me and would he call me back. Then I called my friend M, who is also my T's patient and a friend of mine. She was in our BPD Group. She lives right near his office. Fortunately she was home, so she agreed to meet me at Starbucks.

She came right over and helped me through it. I was so upset that I took 2 little tablets of Visteril - my pdoc gave them to me for when I was really anxious. So I took 2. I calmed down a bit but was still very sad.

I had a 1:00 appt. with my Pain Doctor, who is also in my T's office. So I went over and saw him. I thought maybe I'd run into my T, but I didn't. When I went to the desk to check out, the secretary there was real nice. She asked if I had gotten her message about the cancellation and I said yes. I told her I tried to make another appt. but there was none. So she said she would check with him and see if she could get me something. She said she'd call me back.

I swear, I wasn't in my car 10 minutes than she called me back. She said he could see me at 3:30 tomorrow for 30 minutes (I usually see him for 45 minutes). I was so happy and so grateful.

It had a happy ending, but I did not react very well. Fortunately my friend M listened to all my rantings and ravings. I told her I didn't know how I would get through 2 weeks of not seeing him. I said I don't think I'll ever get better, that I need to take the Viseril every day because I won't be able to deal with things, I'll have BPD forever, etc. etc. etc. I was so upset!

I thought "doesn't my T KNOW how dependent I am on him? Doesn't he KNOW I can't go 2 weeks without seeing him? How could he do this to me?

I'm so tired right now. My Pain Doctor changed my meds so maybe I'll sleep better. I just feel worn down. One thing that I couldn't understand is why I reacted so violently to my T cancelling the appt. I know one reason is because it would then be over 2 weeks before I'd see him. this just shows me how BPD I am. I'm so tired. I really am.

(((BG))).

I know how it is to be dependent on your T. You know I know that. It's not the most healthy situation, but not the worst either. You DO have a life outside of therapy, and you know that you do.

But, because it's your T, and because he's going away, I can understand your reaction. I would have felt the same way, probably crying and screaming too! Our Ts ARE very important to us, and missing sessions is traumatic. That's just the way therapy is.

I never thought I could go 2 weeks without seeing my T. But I did get used to it. It was very hard, though. A struggle. It got easier. It will for you when the time comes. Right now you need him every week, and that's okay. Please don't be so hard on yourself!

I'm glad you are getting the half hour. Maybe you can talk about your dependence on him tomorrow.

Thanks Wondering. I am feeling so bad physically right now. My Pain Doctor asked me to describe it and I couldn't very well. I just said that I'm really tired. He called it malaise. I'm not depressed - just very tired. He changed my sleep medications around - I hope that helps. As my mother used to say, I'm dragging my ass. I want to do things but have no energy. My blood tests are all normal, so it can't be that. I dont' know. Just the way it is.

Maybe I am depressed? I can't tell.

(((Bordergirl)))

I'm sorry to hear what a day you have had and how physically tired you are, especially when I thought you started the day feeling so well.

In reading your post, I can't help but think you handled yourself very well! I mean, I know you would like to not feel this way upon the thought of missing an appointment with your T, but just think how it COULD have gone....

You could have chosen to take your initial anger out when you left the first message--but you didn't.
You could have chosen to vent your anger at the secretary instead of choosing to 'walk out'.
You could have chosen to rage on your passing by friend who wanted coffee, instead you chose to be curteous and nice while still conveying the message.
You could have chosen to cry and scream in public directed at others, instead you took an oppurtunity of a closed car to release some pent-up emotion, hurting no one including you.
You could have chosen to stew all day, not seeking others opinions, advise or allowing you to get the emotion out. Instead you went to a trusted friend and posted on this board.
You could have chosen to drink or self-medicate in some harmful way, instead you took medication prescribed to you for this very purpose.
You could have chosen to skip the rest of your appointments for the day because you were too upset, instead you went to your Pain Doc and got some good answers to some on-going issues for you.
You could have chosen to go off on the secretary (yet another oppurtunity to do this!), yet you simply re-iterated your concerns and apparently got the desired results.

So, from my perspective, although you may have jumped to some conclusions a bit, you Really Did React Very Well, BG! I would call this progress for me, in fact, I have called days like this progress. I believe we have to see what we are doing right, not just what we would like to change. Baby steps! Your doing better than you think! The choices (actions) you made today were good choices, IMHO. I think all we can do is keep trying to choose the best course of action given for any situation, even if we don't like the thought of the situation. You seem to have done that today and it turned out very well. I'm not trying to minimize your emotional pain, I'm sure it has been a roller-coster of a day. I just thought pointing out the Good in today might be of benefit to you right now.

I hope it gets easier BG. I'll be thinking of you.

When I feel blah like that, like just drained, not angry, not overly sad, not really feeling much of anything, I chalk it up to "my subconscious is processing stuff and I'll come out of this & start feeling again when my brain has come to terms with whatever it's working on." In other words, I just try to ride it out.

Hang in there.

Remember too that the double-dose of Visteril might be impacting how you feel right now. Wait 24 hrs for that to wear off a bit and see if you're still in this space before getting concerned.

Thanks Ash and Harmonium. In all honesty, one of the reasons I didn't "go off" on anyone at the office was because my T had practically threatened me with termination if I was rude to anyone. Plus I really, really like the secretary who I spoke to this morning, so I could not be mean to her. It wasn't her fault.

Ash, do you mean that my brain is sort of shutting down? Like not wanting to have anything enter? I can't imagine what I might be processing. It does make sense though. This campaign is taking a huge toll on me emotionally as well as physically. I just wish it were over. Maybe that's part of it, I don't know. I have a lot of things rattling around in my head, things that get me angry. There ARE things I can do, but as you said Ash, right now I can't process what's going on. It's too overwhelming for me. Plus not sleeping well is taking its toll, I think. I know what it is - I just figured it out. I don't feel depressed - I feel dead. Like I'm walking around like a zombie. Like I'm shutting down.

The good thing is that I am sticking to this diet and exercise plan. So far it's working out really well.

Thanks Harmonium for your words. They are exactly what my T would say. My friend M saved my life this morning. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't been home. And the other secretary in my T's office got him to give me an appt. tomorrow. I'm grateful to them both.

I was talking to M (she also is a patient of my T) and I told her I wish I didn't take all of this so seriously - not seeing my T tomorrow, I mean. I mean like another person would have said, "okay, see you another time." But no, I go off the deep end. I know I'm totally dependent on him. And he knows it too. This is just how it is. It's like an addiction. I told M that sometimes I want to just bang my head against the wall - to change my chemistry or something. But this is me and I have to live with it. I can only go so far. I know I have come a long way, but I wonder if I'm done? Like this is all I can do? This is who I am. I need to just accept it.

Sorry, I'm rambling here. Thanks.

BG, have you stopped and counted how much is going on in your life now?

speaking only for me, i have limited resources to cope. i didnt use to be this way, but now i am. too much and i just come unglued, then go numb.

girl, count how much you are doing! be easy on yourself. it will be ok...and give it a day or 3. just try to be calm (i mean do calming things) when you feel this going on.

i also think you coped VERY well. look at what you did. maybe you didnt cope as well as you wanted, but damn, you have come a long way.

and yes, sometimes shit happens. things fuck up, plans go astray, and at times we blow. but you didnt blow AT someone. i think you did damn good.

I do agree with Harmonium that you managed your emotions pretty well. You really should pat yourself on the back for that. Think back, maybe a year ago, maybe two, to when you could not have done that.

At the same time, it appears that your attachment to your t causes you serious distress at times like this. I know what it is to depend on weekly sessions and then have your head about explode when the t has to cancel. Isn't it always the way that our t's are booked a month out, making it impossible to get a make-up session? Yet out t's sometimes have to cancel. Wouldn't it be better to have strategies for dealing with that?

I encourage you to work on that with your t, but primarily take inventory of all the ways you handled this better than you would have in the past, and be thankful for your progress.

jim

Thanks Jody and Jim. Yes, Jody, I've had a lot on my plate. I was on one committee and I e-mailed the chair today and told him that because of my health I have to drop out. I just can't do it anymore. I feel bad that I can't do all that I want. It takes me longer to bounce back than it used to. But I guess that's the reality.

Jim, you are right too. A year ago (or less) I would have practically caused a scene in the office. The reason I was so upset was not just because he cancelled the appointment. It was because he's going to be out of town next week, which means I wouldn't see him for 2 weeks. That was why I was so upset. Last week he had to push up my appointment (the same day) because he was out of the office. I'm tired of him changing/cancelling appointments on me because he has meetings to go to. If he has so many meetings in the mornings, then I want to change my appointments to the afternoons.

I am happy that I did nothing to make anyone mad at me. I guess I did do good things regarding this today. Considering what I could have done instead. There's other things going on that I just need to take a break from. I have to stop thinking about them. I'm so glad you guys are here to help me. I really appreciate it!!!!

sometimes its ok to just accept you might freak a bit. imho* and you didnt act on it and that is so cool.

i dunno, seems the older i get the less balls i can juggle, ya know?

would it help to see what you do have instead of what you cant do or have any more?

why would your T make appts when he knows he has meetings? i have run into that and it totally pisses me off and me and my T came to a conclusion on how to avoid this in the future...as it really pisses me off.,,i go into counseling angry anyways and i dont know why. lol. do you?

I agree that not sleeping can contribute to many feelings of disorder, mental and physical. I know you have many issues surrounding sleep. Is there nothing more that could help you in this area? Even if you just 'rest your eyes', not really sleeping, wouldn't that help?

When I get overwhelmed with life and my crazy schedules (which I try really, really hard not to have because I know my body can't take it), I always go back to mindfulness and meditation. Do you meditate at all BG? Have you ever tried it?

Sometimes doing a simple breathing meditation can bring my thoughts back to a process speed that is more managable. All it takes it maybe 5 or 10 minutes to do and it can really calm a person down. There are theories that just taking a deep breath from your belly, really expanding the lungs, and breathing out fully can activate the parasympathetic nervous system resulting in a calming overall affect. I believe those theories because I have felt the changes within my own body. I have been able to experiment and demonstrate with my own response, and it really helps me stay calm and centered. I started with counting to 5 slowly as I was breathing in, and counting to 5 as I was breathing out. Now I get up to slowly counting to 35 or 40! When we get stressed out, our breathing gets really shallow. I don't know anyone who does not do this, nor have I ever heard of anyone who does not shallow breathe when upset. I find that if I just make the conscious choice to breath more fully when I am upset, it really does make all the difference in how my body reacts on a systemic, neurochemical level (at least I no longer feel as if adrenaline is taking over, I suppose I can't really say what is happening on a neuro level because I can't check, but that is how it feels). Just by breathing more deeply. Go figure! If you are interested in more info on meditation or breathing exercises, just shoot me a PM. I really feel mindfulness and actively being mindful of my physical sensations has really made a big difference for me in my recovery and I think it might help you too.

Yes Jody, I am finding that it is getting more and more difficult to juggle too many balls at once. As I said, yesterday I dropped out of a committee I was on. I think that over the past 3 years, since I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy, all this has been coming to a head. There has been a lot to Radically Accept - the Narcolepsy, the BPD diagnosis, several foot surgeries, my mother dying. And all this within 3 years! It's a lot to comprehend and accept. So now my new thing to accept is that I'm running out of steam. As with the other issues, it's going to take me time to accept it and learn to adjust.

My doctor did adjust my medications yesterday re: the sleep issue. He told me to stop taking the Remeron and to take the Neurontin every night. I told him that the nights I take Neurontin I sleep well. Thus the change. I'm hoping it helps.

Thanks Harmonium for reminding me about mindfulness. No, as you can probably tell, I do not meditate. Yes, it is something that I probably should do. I will try the exercise you suggested. Maybe it will help quiet my mind. Anything I can do holistically/naturally is better for me.

Again, I appreciate you all!!!!!

I am going to see my T at 3:30 today. I don't know what to say to him. I am hurt, I am angry, I am scared. All these things. I've been thinking about it over and over in my mind, and I can't come up with what to say to him. I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

BG perhaps if that is all that comes to mind when you get to your appointment you could just tell him how you are feeling and see what comes from that?

Perhaps exploring how you feel and why with him could help. You arent blaming him really, cos you can't blame him for circumstances, but it might help to look into why and how these feelings are coming up and come up with a strategy to get you through the next couple of weeks.

Thanks Tracy. The problem is, in a way I DO blame him. He cancels and/or changes appointments on Tuesday mornings more frequently than I'd like. I don't mind him cancelling an appointment, but the problem comes in if he doesn't have another opening for me that week. I found it very strange that when I first went in the office yesterday, the one secretary said he had no openings at all this week. But later on, the other secretary got me an opening. What's going on? I don't get this. I need to ask him.

And yes, I suppose I do need to explore with him about why I react the way I do. I have so many conflicted feelings right now. Yuk!

BG, I think it's only natural to be irritated at your T if he/she is regularly rescheduling 'set' appointment times. How often does this actually happen? Is there any way to plan around such events? Surely your T knows ahead of time what their own schedule is....my thinking is that maybe your T has many patients in pretty much the same boat as you. Because there is only so much time in any given week, if an appointment comes up (especially if it takes an entire day out of your T's schedule) there might be no possible way to fit all the regular patients in that same week due to the limited time. Instead of trying to reschedule everyone, it seems like your T just waits and sees which patients 'freak out' and need the few slots they leave open 'just in case'. My neurologist does this. I will schedule an appointment a month in advance (I see him every two months). Well, he also sees patients at the local hospital and does surgeries. Sometimes, my appointment would get pushed. I found this very irritating because I had to rearrage my schedule (work especially) around these appointments. So, I told my neuro how inconvient this was for me, how I found it disrespectful of my time. Now, he does not cancel my appointment or if he absolutely must for an emergency, he gets me in that week and gives me two or three appointment times to choose from. A far cry from when he would just cancel and it might be 3-4 weeks before I could get back in! All it took was me standing up for myself in a very calm, rational way. Pointing out to him that what he was doing was costing me money. Doctors usually don't like dissatisfied patients. Sometimes it just has to be approached in such a way as to show them that inconveniencing you is ultamately an inconvenience to them. I know it's different with a T, but still kinda the same too.

I have worked in several doctor's offices, although never for a T. We Always, Always, Always kept a few appointment times clear for the 'just in case' or 'emergency' clients, even if we were told to tell people we were 'booked'. These open appointment would be given to those deemed to need them the most, not just any Joe or Jane off the street. I would venture a bet your T's office does this too. Plus, there are usually cancellations. If you need an appointment and call about an hour after opening in the mornings, one will usually pop up.

I agree with Tracy that the best thing to do today might be to just level with him. We're supposed to be honest with our T's right? He is not a mind-reader, so you expressing how you feel (in detail) about what happened and how it made you feel I think could only help you in the long run. Maybe he will be less likely to do it again, or maybe you and he can find a way to better handle things at least from a logistics pov.

I think it would be a good thing for him to know that the thought of going two weeks without an appointment is not a good feeling for you. He may have an idea about that, but if you have not explicitly told him about this (I have no idea, no assumptions here) he may not even realize this is an issue for you. He may then be able to direct your therapy to deal with this in such a way as you feeling more secure with gaining some independence. It takes time.

Other than brining up what has gone on since yesterday, which I believe would be helpful, what would you have said to him before all of this happened? All of that stuff is probably still relevent, isn't it? I encourage you to not let this incident cloud too much of your session, especially if you won't see him again for over a week (I don't know when you go back). I'm just thinking that there might have been other stuff going on before the scheduling issue, doesn't that stuff still warrent a mention?

I know your feeling out of sorts, BG. I hope your T session goes really well. I hope your day gets better! Sending you good thoughts.....

Thank you so much Harmonium. I do plan on talking to him about him cancelling appointments on Tuesdays in the mornings. I may decide to make appointments in the afternoons from now on. I'm tired of this. It wears me out. I'll let you know how the session goes - thanks!!!!

I saw my T this afternoon. We had a really good talk. He said that he told the secretary to call me on THURSDAY to let me know about the appointment. They blew it and didn't call me until Monday. Anyway, he talked about trust with me. He said that I have to trust him and know that he will do what he can to get me in, if need be. He said that very emphatically. So I have to trust that he will get me in if he needs to cancel again.

A lot of my problems have to do with the fact that I'm still not sleeping properly. I get about 4 hours of sleep, then I'm up, then I go back to sleep for 1/2 hour, then I'm up again. He does not agree with my Sleep Doctor as to how I should be taking the Trazedone. He said he was going to write an e-mail to my pdoc and suggest that I take more Trazedone. He can't authorize it but my pdoc can. He thinks the sleep problems is what may be making me feel so bad, physically and emotionally. Maybe he's right. I'm exhausted all the time.

He did say that he felt I really got carried away yesterday. He didn't use those words, but I think that's what he meant. He didn't say it in a bad or nasty way - he just thinks that I still have trouble regulating my emotions. He said when he got my phone message he thought something really, really terrible happened. He also said that he would always call me back. That made me feel better too. I guess he just wants me to trust him and he was reassuring me.

We talked a little bit about me being super-dependent on him. He didn't dwell on it, but he acknowledged it. He said he understands and it's okay. But he'd like to help me learn to be less dependent. I guess that's in the future. He'll be away next week so we can't discuss anything.

So that was that. I left feeling really calmed down. Thanks!!!!

Out of curiosity, have you had a sleep study done at all?

BG,

I'm glad you had such a productive session!

I think your T brings up a really great point--trust. I believe this is a difficult area for many of us. Great advice.


You probably already do this or have tried it, but I have heard that for people with narcolepsy (you have stated this is an issue) taking short naps during the day might help with the 'tiredness'. I put that in quotes because 4 or 5 hours of sleep isn't much for anyone, I think all would be exhausted with that kind of sleep debt. Anyway, I hear if a person needs to 'catch up', taking three or four 15-20 minute naps can really refresh. I also hear that taking small walks (like just around the block) can energize. It makes sense to me. I can see how that would get the blood pumping. I have heard this from a client of mine with narcolepsy, it's what she does and she says it helps. Just some ideas, I'm sure you and your Sleep docs have suggested these things.

I tend to be a bit of an insomniac. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep, but it has been better for the past six months or so. I find when my anxiety levels are down (when I can clear my head I am able to sleep better.

Good luck BG. I really happy today went well for you.

Yes, Ash. I've had 2 sleep studies. They confirm Narcolepsy. My doctors are in the processing of "tweaking" the meds right now. I now have 4 doctors working on this - can you imagine? They all just have to get on the same page.

Harmonium, I often think about taking daytime naps, but I'm afraid to. I have this fear that if I sleep during the day, I won't sleep at night. I'll tell you - I'm so confused at this point that I don't know which end is up. So I'm just going to coast along until I hear from the doctors. My T said he would talk to my pdoc and maybe my pdoc would agree to increasing the Trazedone before he sees me. If he won't, I have to wait 3 weeks until I see him.

Harmonium, maybe I'll try napping during the day. The way things are going, I don't have much to lose. Thank you for your suggestions!!

Good morning! Well, good news. I went to bed around 11:00 last night and slept through until 10:00 this morning. I got up around 4 a.m. but was able to go back to sleep! I don't know if this pattern will last, but I hope so!

I'm happy for you!

I still think it's a good idea, considering this is an on-going issue, to try to put into place some naps and routines or something that works for you that can help this problem be easier on you in the future. I hope thinking about it when you are well-rested can help you fomulate a plan for those days when you are sleep-deprived.

Good luck, I wish you well as always BG!

Yes, I do need to nap. Today has been a good day though, and I don't feel the urge to sleep. But in the future, I will try not to fight it and nap if I need to. Thanks!!!!