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My parents left the country for ten days this morning. Honestly, I didn't expect anything major emotionally. We've been working up to this in therapy, I have a firm support network in place, I've developed plans for coping while they are gone. I was fine this morning because I had to teach, but once my kids were gone I climbed into bed & stayed there fighting horrible dreams (worse than usual, which is saying a lot), until this evening when they called to let me know they had arrived at the airport safely & were now leaving the country. I stayed in control during the conversation, don't want to worry my mom more (her OCD is bad enough right now as it is--third world countries are not her type of dream vacation), but after they got off the phone I flipped. Spent about 45 minutes on the floor with my knees pulled up to my chest rocking--this is NOT normal for me!!! I finally called my bishop (religious leader) & was able to talk to him for a few minutes (not sure how much it helped, he thought I was just sulking--must admit I intentionally did not tell him how bad it was), finally called a friend & went to a youth activity for our church for awhile. Now back home, alone, still completely uptight, mind racing, on the verge of a panic attack. Trying to save the benzos for later, but we're getting close to that point. I actually *have* been using many tools (now going to pull my self care box out & try self soothing), I think this is one of those times where I just have to recognize that my buttons have been pushed and I'm going to need to sit with the emotions until they pass. That's why I was trying to "sulk", sulking implies that I can choose to make it go away. If only!!!

Not really looking for answers, just venting. Though not opposed to suggestions either.

Im sorry Harindy that you are going thru so much. It definitely isnt easy nor nice to deal with.

I am however impressed that you are able to acknowledge it; observe it and work at sitting thru it rather than acting out. Great progress and steps.

Please continue to do the work because I think as hard as it is to sit thru it; once you do, you will gain a bit more confidence and strength in seeing that a) you can handle it b) it feels and appears a lot worse than it is (not that it isnt bad but that the outcome is you are still here; sitting and carrying on with your life).

I know none of that changes the fact that you are in such turmoil atm and I definitely not trying to minimize it. I wish I had more to offer, only that I know how hard it can be to sit thru. I too have the same issue.

I'm sorry you're having difficulty. Is there a way you can be in communication with them while they are gone?

Sometimes we can't make the feelings go away. We acknowledge them, look at them, accept them.

Can you identify what in particular upsets you about them going overseas? Your heading is abandonment issues. Are you afraid they won't come back? Is it that they're in a different country? Are you worried that something bad might happen to them? Maybe by identifying what it is that's upsetting you, you can work through it.

Last year when my H went away to a convention I reacted pretty similar to how you did. I stayed in my bed for about 2 days straight. I was scared. I think reaching out to people is a good idea, like you did. You may not be able to make the feelings go away completely, but by interacting with people you might be able to distract yourself some. And of course writing here is good too!

I hope you get some sleep tonight! Take good care of yourself!!!!

Thanks for the quick replies! I've been using my self-soothing techniques for the last hour or so, and it seems to be helping. When my T finally called me back awhile ago I actually felt like I was doing pretty well, aside from the whole avoiding bedtime thing (not in the mood for more dreams).

They will be e-mailing whenever they can, though they don't know how often that will be. I know having them go to another country is concerning--they've never done that before. The longest they've been gone in the past was a two-week cruise to Hawaii about three years ago. My brother was home then, so I wasn't home alone. I think the fact that all three of them are there (they went to pick up my brother) is frightening in many ways, the thought of something happening to my entire family has crossed my mind more than a few times! My T used the "worst case scenario" technique tonight (which she never does, since usually it makes things worse) & pointed out that if they all die in a plane crash I won't have to worry about finances any more. Ironically, for some reason that actually worked!

Honestly, aside from that she didn't really say much, beyond assuring me that she will be here & I can call any time (though calling any time doesn't imply she will answer any time, as always). Mostly I just needed to talk about the anxiety, and I don't feel like I have a lot of support in that area (my friends are great for distraction, but talking things out with them can be difficult & I'm having a hard time connecting to my bishop right now because he has a lot going on & isn't as readily available as usual). So posting here, and probably journaling, and e-mailing my therapist when she won't be available for a phone call are all possible ways I can find healthy ways to express the anxiety without turning it into a crisis. I'll be quite busy during the day the next three days--tomorrow is my prep day and one class & I have double sessions Wed & Thursday, I'll be meeting with my bishop Tuesday evening (and can Thursday as well if I need to) & will meet with my T Wednesday. I think the weekend will be hard (they usually are, even under normal circumstances), so I'm going to use my "network" the next few days to come up with a plan for getting through the weekend. I think if I can get past the weekend the rest of next week shouldn't be terribly difficult--at least I hope so!

It sounds like you have a good plan in place. I really can understand how you feel. I felt the same way when my H was gone last year. But each day will get you closer to when they come home! Can you try to think of them in the country they're going to, having a good time? Also, if they will e-mail you every couple of days, perhaps you can write e-mails to them a few times a day. Tell them what you're doing. That way you might feel connected to them.

I sleep with a teddy bear (okay, don't laugh). Do you have something soothing to sleep with? When I was dating my H and he went away to college, I used to sleep with his picture under my pillow. Maybe keep their picture close to your bed table so you can see them.

Hope you have a good night's sleep tonight!

Have you tried Meditation? With your Christian views, I would think it would go hand-in-hand in a religious sense, if you wish it to. I find Meditation to calm the nerves quite well. You can Meditate on anything you so desire, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' with it. I find it to simply be a method of focusing the mind on a singular task or even multiple tasks---but that is advanced. Really, it's just a way to 'be'. Start with one thing. There is a link on the home page here on mediation (some techniques) if you are unfamiliar. Just a way of calming the body to go along with the mind, so it goes. It can also be a path of understanding your own bodily responses to emotions--at least, I find this to be true.

Just a thought. Sweet dreams tonight!!!

Not doing so well at picturing them in the country, but I do seem to be doing better at having them gone. I wrote them this evening even though I have not heard from them & am not really sure which account to send it too, figured writing it out was important for me, whether they get it or not. Hadn't thought about a picture, may track one down!

Not laughing at the teddy bear--I have a doll I've slept with for the last 12 years & don't intend to stop sleeping with any time soon! It's one of the weighted dolls & the weight seems to help when I'm uptight. I also have my two "special" blankets. I could rival my preschoolers when it comes to comfort items! Last night I did manage to sleep after I finally coaxed myself into bed, did have dreams, but nothing like the last set.

On the topic of meditation, I've taken several meditation courses & have been using those skills to cope with the feelings. The meditation approach I've taken classes on is mindfulness meditation, the concept of "as it is, let it be", which I am NOT a big fan of (sitting with emotions has never been my forte), but it has been working if I will stay with it long enough. I've also been using deep breathing & visualizations, those tend to be more of a temporary distraction rather than a long-term solution though.

I met with my bishop tonight & felt good about it, also went to a meeting for NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) that wasn't particularly helpful this time around, but at least kept me busy for the evening. Tomorrow I teach back to back sessions from 8:30 AM to 4:30 PM, then meet with my therapist for an hour, and plan to make cookies with a friend after that. So long as I can keep busy I'll do fine! Right now I'm enjoying aromatherapy & listening to calming music, hoping to wind down and make it to bed in the next hour or so. We'll see how it goes.

I'm glad you're able to soothe yourself. It sounds like you are doing fairly well.

Besides the teddy bear, I also sleep with my "special" blanket. It was my son's when he lived at home and I took it over. It also soothes me.

Keep up the good work! The aroma of baking cookies might also soothe you - it's a very comforing smell!

I often do the "worst-case scenario" thing when I am worried about something and then brace myself for the worst. One night this week (I am losing track of the days so frequently now but I am pretty sure it was this week) I spoke to my foster mother, who is having some serious problems in her life right now which include facing serious felony charges and losing her job (which she has not been able to work since the charges were filed) based on a past relationship (there is a book about it and someone gave her boss a copy of the book). During the phone conversation I shared some of the problems I am having with my oldest daughter (she is in a psychiatric hospital but she will be released on Monday) and how I am afraid that I am to blame for my daughter's mental problems. My foster mother asked me if I wanted to "Thelma and Louise" and I was glad to find myself saying "no" (after only a moderate pause to think) since I have been dealing with suicidal thinking quite a bit myself lately. Rather than reassure me that I will see her again someday, the phone conversation has caused me to worry about how suicidal my foster mother is feeling, especially since she reminded me of a life insurance policy she started many years ago on which she listed me as the beneficiary (I forgot about signing the papers but I believe I must have if she says I did). It is funny that you mentioned how losing your parents would help your financial situation since that is what came to mind when my foster mother reminded me about the insurance policy. At the same time, it only gives her a stronger motive to suicide because she is probably assuming I need the money more than I need her when what I want is for her to come live with me so I can make sure she is okay. Reality is that we don't have control over what happens to other people and it is possible we could lose them at any time, whether they are near or far away.

I was very afraid for my daughter's life when she left with her runaway boyfriend because I could not be there to protect her and I am concerned that she could put herself in danger again trying to find him once she is released in court on Monday (he is still missing but when he is located he is going to be locked up in a treatment facility in Oregon since they can apparently keep adolescents locked up more easily in that state than here in Washington state). I imagine it is because I am her mother that I think that having her close will enable me to keep her safe from the world when in reality she is going to have to be able to take care of herself now that she is almost an adult. I don't have "control issues" as far as wanting to dictate what she does with her life, but perhaps I have "control issues" related to wanting to have the power to keep her safe from harm. While she has been gone, I have had to "detach" myself from assuming personal responsibility for her choices since in all honesty I don't have control over what happens to her in life. My wanting her to be safe will not protect her from harm any more than my being physically close to her will protect her from danger. It is likely that my desire to protect her has me feeling too close to her and I need to start distancing myself emotionally as she enters adulthood.

Losing my daughter would cause the most suffering I can imagine. I am certain I would not want to survive her death. Losing my foster mother would also result in suffering, but I am sure I could survive the loss. The difference is that I would not feel as responsible for my foster mother's death as I would for my own daughter's death if something were to happen to her and I was not there to die in her place. In the past few days I have had to contemplate the possibility of losing two of the most important people in my life so I can definitely relate to the resulting anxiety. I have had many sleepless nights lately, not due to dreaming (I am what is called a "non-recaller" because I don't remember dreams) but due to the overwhelming anxiety that is hard to turn off so that I can sleep.

What I have to tell myself in times like this is that I can do it the "easy way" or the "hard way" but neither way has a different outcome so the amount of anxiety I invest into a situation is completely unrelated to the eventual outcome. I have to take a sort of "come what may" attitude and keep living moment by moment. It is my choice whether I contribute to my own suffering with anxious thoughts or whether I reduce my suffering by giving up those ineffective thoughts. It requires some detachment in situations in which I want to have control when in fact I have none so that I don't make myself crazy with my own thoughts. Fortunately for me, I have my younger daughter to concern myself with as I try to help her cope with upsetting situations that she has no control over either. Perhaps it is my focus on helping her get through tough times that allows me to detach myself from my own thoughts enough to lessen my own personal suffering at the same time. By holding myself together for my daughter, I am less likely to fall apart.

How are you doing today Harindy? Are you feeling better? The time must be getting closer to your parents coming home. Maybe you're at the halfway-mark and can imagine them being home soon!

Hope you have a good day!